"Holding Anger is a Poison"

There aren't any pictures to post this week...just wanted to get some of my feelings out.  This week, I have been ANGRY...angry for many reasons.

1) Angry that Jett is sick-- he has a bad cough and fever and has been in extreme amounts of pain this week.  Why the pain?  I have no idea.  I have to say that watching your child suffer has to be the WORST possible feeling in the entire world.  Even Dr. Dobyns, in Seattle, had no words of advice for me.  He is the "all-knowing" doctor for pontocerebellar hypoplasia and still doesn't know why these babies experience bad tummy pain.

2) Angry that my husband and dog are in Omaha and that we aren't out there yet.  Jett and I miss them like CRAZY, but are staying behind for some post-operation appointments.

3) Angry that babies all over the world are suffering.  In particular, a sweet little 8-month-old, named Maia, who is close to leaving this world.  She has PCH Type 1, which is very severe, and her breathing has gone downhill quickly.  She and her family live in England.  They are going through an extremely tough time right now (obviously) and my heart goes out to them.  Another little boy, Carter, is 4 years old, and is recovering from a tracheostomy surgery at the moment.  He has PCH Type 2 and has experienced more complications from this surgery than ANY child should have to go through. He is such a trooper!  Also, my sweet Lila (who I have talked about before) is suffering from a bad kidney infection.  She has a fever of 105 and is now on IV antibiotics to hopefully kick this thing.  Like I have mentioned before, she has a rare condition, called Vici Syndrome.  She is an absolute angel and it kills me to know that she is suffering too.

WHY????

You can obviously tell that my anger has led to frustration and confusion.  I'm sure that all of you have experienced these stages of grief before, whether it was actually dealing with a death or something else.  At first, I was in denial about Jett's diagnosis.  I was sure that he would be the PCH "superstar" and be the one to talk and walk! In my mind, he was only going to be sick for a couple months and then would bounce back and be a "normal" kid. Second, I have experienced immense amounts of guilt.  I feel horrible that I brought him into the world to only have to FIGHT every single day of his life.  I have to keep telling myself that he doesn't know any different.  He doesn't know that he could enjoy drinking from a bottle or be tasting sweet potatoes on his tongue.  He doesn't know that there is a whole world out there for him to see.

So now I'm at the anger stage...and trying desperately to get out of it!  Anger does not make you feel good.  You treat yourself and others differently. It eats at you to the point that you become obsessed with whatever you are angry at.  I don't like it!!  I am not that kind of person.

It should so happen, in my rants of anger, that I came across an amazing passage in a book that I am re-reading, called The Five People You Meet in Heaven. 

The main character in the book has lived a life of anger and feels like his life has been one with no purpose.  To make a long story short, he dies, and meets five people from his past that explain what his life's purpose was.   One of these people explained how anger affects us...

"Holding anger is a poison.  It eats you from inside.  We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us.  But hatred is a curved blade.  And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."

After reading that, I decided to turn over a new leaf.  I'm not going to be angry anymore.  I am going to take each hour as it comes and put my TRUST in the Lord.  Although we may not understand why we have been dealt a rotten hand, our Heavenly Father has everything planned out perfectly.  He knows what is best for us.

With that said, I am so grateful that I get the privilege of being in Jett's presence daily.  He is truly a celestial being and is here to teach me what is most important in life...FAMILY and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.